"i've seen love die, way too many times, when it deserved to be alive..."

im sick of my parents making me their messenger.

bugger. see, dont get involved with love. things like that will NEVER happen.

fuck shit.

did i mention that brother's annoying too?

ha.

cant wait to move out and live in solitude.

fly all the way to africa AND STAY THERE FOR GOOD.

and i'll leave this life and the people in it behind (:

yea, im selfish.

im fucking pissed with couples who behave that way.

just yesterday, the family invaded my home.

uncle and aunty started fighting for the whole world too see.

i think the other couples thought it was fun too. so they all started fighting with one another.

fuckin' fun no?

oh and how many of my aunts are divorced?

3 of them, just from my mum's side.

what if that's inherited?

i dont want to end up like that.

how about my aunts and uncles who sleep in separate rooms?

ive plenty!!

lets put it this way.

getting married doesnt even ensure a forever.

so what is certain in a relationship?

what's i love you forever when forever is practically, NOT FOREVER!

tell me.

why did God create love for?when it hurts people more than anything else.

seeing my aunt having to constantly find distractions for herself to keep her sanity, is not cool yokay.

i cant bring myself to blame her when she constantly asks me to go out with her. 

and my dear uncle who happily dumped her for another woman, ha, they started dating when they were my age. AND THEY WORKED TOGETHER IN F&B. so dejavu-ish.

( AND HE'S MUSLIM! GODDAMIT. how dare he.)

and she's in her forties now.

how long was that? and it was not forever. the malay newspaper praises him up to the heavens for taking care of the kids that are not his own. shit you. you cant even look after your own!

that's love for you people. that's love.

yes. im mad.angry, frustrated, annoyed, fed up, unhappy.

so what if im just convincing myself to never love again.

at least i dont deny.

im pissed with the life im living.

i fucking am.

Dear God, you've opened my eyes to world im living in.

you've opened my eyes to see the people in it.

you've opened my eyes to see me.

i've seen it and i dont like it.

everything i thought. they were wrong.

none of it was ever right.what happiness is down right to the people i can trust.(excluding hafrit,jaja,irni just to be clear)

i dont even trust me. all the decisions i made.

which was right??!

im not sure if any part of these 18 years was ever right.

what have i done right for anybody?

what have i done right for myself?

i'm living the life you planned for me.

watch me.

some head banging to get this out will be fantastic.

i read somewhere that true friends are those who'll stay by you when you screw up.

I've got at least 3. that's the only right in my life.

im tired.

kbye,